We can't be haters all of the time. Sometimes, we just have to indulge in love,
and so, in the true spirit of the 60s, I'll be a honest to God love-child today.
Still, this blog is about shitty things, that's the way it's always been, and that's the way it's supposed to be. But have you never had this phenomenon, that when something becomes so unbearable, it crosses some invisible barrier, what Jim Lahey might have called the shit-line I suppose, that makes it so you just have to love it? Well it doesn't happen to me often, but one fabulous and outstanding man has managed to break my shit-line so repeatedly, that he has reduced it to smouldering rumble.
We here in Germany, we have out own share of crazy people. We may not have as many, as the mammoth-nut-tree across the great lake drops upon the face of the earth, and they sure don't drop so frequently here, but every once in a while, we develop a special kind of nut. One, it seems, that can only be grown in the sunny valleys of Germany, where their roots can be nourished by the special strains of lunacy in the ground, that makes us such an idiotic nation. Those nuts, "Made in Germany" are a tough kind, that sometimes seem even permanent, and have a certain beauty in the complex multilayerdness of their psychotic dysfunction.
I know that almost everyone of you fucking morons has thought of Hitler by now. I don't mean Hitler. He wasn't the only German, and he most certainly wasn't our only nut. Technically he wasn't even a German, he was Austrian (which is quite paradox, considering that Austria sucks a considerable amount less than Germany). Anyway, I'm talking about the funny kind of nut here, not the depressing.
So finally, after this long and aimless introduction, I present to you: The one and only, the shit-line-cracker, the absolute future of German television:
I Love Thomas G. Hornauer
It all started one night in 2008, when I was zapping the channels of my TV. I finally found a fat balding man sitting at a big orange table, proclaiming the most unimaginable new-age bullshit. Me and the friend who was with me at this time thought it to be fake at first. Some kind of comedy, because, shit, it was funny as hell. After watching some of his shows now and then, I slowly came to the realization, that this guy really was being serious, and that's when the whole thing started. You could follow him every day, if you would choose to waste your time in this most horrible of ways, as he ranted, cried, screamed and laughed. The fascinating thing was, to watch his mind disintegrate from week to week, peaking when he claimed to be able to build a spaceship and leave earth. This resulted in him putting his orange table on a flimsy green screen, that projected a cheesy space picture, and enforcing star-trek space-geek talk upon his marry gang of retards for a few weeks. No kidding.
Basically he started out as a producer of phone-sex late-night TV-spots and "sexy clips". He actually made a few million with that, and ran a dubious TV-channel with it, offering astrologers and card reading psychics. He, as was to be expected, lost his licence (TV licence that is, idiot), but later on got
a new one with his new channel. He finally lost that too in late 2008 and now
produces a desperate live-stream from what looks like his basement.
The point is, he is one of the most fascinating German TV persona. Not only does he follow is ideas and ideals with all his power and money, he also invents catchy nonsensical oxymorons like "free-pay-TV" and "Energieausgleich" for his purposes. Furthermore he manages to be completely and utterly wrong in each and every statement he gives. (That of course, is only my opinion. But just watch him...) But my biggest favorite is his creation as a whole. He's got this unique blend of new-age-medicine, christian religion, mythology eastern religion and a bit of every other crap there may (or may not) be. He takes all these influences and adds to their accumulated illogicality, by filtering them through his own incapability to understand even the most basic of things. If there ever was a person truly worthy of the word awesome, it is him. There is a certain beauty to how he butchers down everything that comes into contact with him. His dick-army deserted him, due to his frequent attacks on is guests and "co-stars", and even the most goony of callers have grown tired of paying money to be ridiculed. Now he is on his own, and spends his time phoning up and molesting people who made fun of him on the web, during his live-stream. I sure hope he spares me that annoyance. Just outlining my opinion here...
On the other hand, he doesn't really speak English. He thinks he does (as does he with many other things), but really, he doesn't.
Nevertheless, there is an issue, that lights a tiny spark of no-bullshit sympathy for that weirdo in my heart. He was basically shut down. Many of you may be thinking: Good, he was abusing his position and ripping off people anyway. And that may really be, or not be the case, but my point is something else. There are so many things that can be done aside from prohibiting something. Make a movie, record a podcast, go online and write what's on your mind on a blog. Whatever you do, don't go around smashing other people with the prohibition-club. I have read all those annoyed comments to the videos posted by his faithful youtube community. "Those are people who don't know any better, and they are being abused... We need to help them, because we know the way...". All of that is this pseudo-moral crap, combined with a terrible better-than-thou attitude. I admit, that personally I also feel better than them. I think most of them are moronic low-life scum, vegetating away in front of their TV. But that is my personal opinion, and I sure as shit ain't certain enough of it, to rob other people of their right to make their own decisions, on its grounds. And anyway, one should always consider the possibility of being wrong. I mean, in this case it's microscopical, but think about it. If you forbid something, and turn out to be wrong, you come out as the absolute dick. And I'm not talking the funny one here, but the depressing kind. Then you can join the rows of prohibition-assholes, containing every violent dictator throughout history and almost all of the presidents the US have ever had. Don't wanna be doing that now, do you?
To wrap it up nice and easy:
If you are such a giant moron, that you lose a hundred bucks, because you bet a random hobo, that he knows where you got your shoes, and tells you you got them on your feet, your just to stupid to be helped by a fair legal system. Laws that are passed to protect people of such inferior intelligence, are bound to drastically effect the lives of all others and make them miserable.
It's the same thing with Hornauer. You were able to watch him work. Day after day you could witness first hand, what kind of job he does and how he does it. If your lunatic-alarm hasn't picked up on him by then, and you are till willing to pay the enormous amount of two euros a minute to talk to the king of ignorance, than so be it!
Who am I to tell you what to spend your fucking money on? Go blow it on hookers dope or the antique chair that you wanted to buy for so long (but didn't because its completely ugly and useless, and not to mention expensive), hell, burn it, for all that it matters to me. (You actually shouldn't do this if you're in Germany. It's a crime here) It's YOUR money!
It stands to reason, that Hornauer may not be the brightest bulb, that has ever enlightened the inherently gloomy mind of the new-age-nut, but he certainly is the most entertaining. Critics have cost the people who used to flock to him for help a mad idol, scattering them to find another one. Thousands of others however, like myself, had to suffer the loss of what was surely the most involuntarily funny show of the last 20years on television.
The only thing left for me to do, is to repeat my beginning statement:
I Love Thomas G. Hornauer, I did love him when he had his high time, and I still love what's left of him, because I love my real trash-TV entertainment. It makes me feel so much better about myself.
Oh common! At least I admit it.
If you feel like checking Hornauer out on Youtube, try his name or "Kanal Telemedial". You should bring some German language skills however, to make up for his lack of any. No, but he's seriously difficult to understand, even for native speakers.
Here is an example, listen to how he explains the universe around the middle of the video. How can a single person be wrong on so many levels?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I Hate Children at Church
For my first irresponsible hate rant, I obviously had to pick something from my favorite topic: Religion. This one sucks so hard, that whole books could be (and have been) filled with how unbelievably heartbreakingly stupid it is. Due to my plan, how this whole thing should go down, which was, as I have to admit, mostly fashioned to come to terms with my obscene laziness, I can only take this topic on in small pieces. So for today, I'll be content with telling you, what I think about so called adults, who, captured in their fairy-tale based dream world of idiocy, some how manage to consider it an good idea, to take their little precious spawn, to the temple of violent ignorance that they call a church. So here comes why...
I Hate Children at Church
To begin with, I should maybe define this more closely. To be accurate I would have to write a few more of these things... I hate church, I hate hate, and maybe even I hate children. I already told you why there is no time for that, and for the same reason I will confine myself to the Christian church. This time. (Maybe also because I know most about it... cultural predetermination and what not. You see, I'm a Catholic Christian: Suck on that!)
Have you ever noticed the tendency of religious people, to only recognize the oddities of other peoples religions? My mother for example, recently talked to me about how disgusting and unnecessarily brutal she found the kosher way of killing animals to be. And no shit, it really is. But the point I'm trying to make here, is that she hypocritically spoke out against this crude and bloody ritual, without wasting one thought about the unspeakable display of lunacy she takes part in, almost every Sunday. Yes sir! I'm talking about the Mass at the local (and every other one, around the globe) Catholic church. Ours is one of those really old school ones, with those worm-eaten wood benches, hard like concrete, where you're already doing penance when you sit down, not one of these modern, central heated pussy churches. That's because I live in Bavaria, which is the undisputed festering Catholic heart of Germany. But no matter where you live, one phenomenon has become visible in almost all churches throughout Germany: Growing gaps in the rows of moronic sheep, that flock to the churches day for day. This has actually two reasons. This first one is, that most of us, have ceased to live in the Dark Ages, and have taken a little time to grow a brain, which actually enables them to discern between reality and truly retarded, fucked up phantasies, and therefore consider a visit to the local, mad teller of tales as unnecessary. The other one is a little more disturbing, as it shows the total moral depravity, and mental insufficiency of some of our fellow humans. Those gaps aren't really gaps if you look close enough. Their occupants are merely so tiny, that you don't see them at the first glance. And I'm not talking midget here. (I know the politically correct term would be “little person”, but I also hate political correctness) I'm talking about children, sometimes so young, they can't even walk on their own. You don't see how this is wrong? Well, let's for one second assume the implausible condition, that you were not in a church that preaches this whole intolerant, anti gay, anti sex, anti common sense bullshit. Let's only concentrate on the rituals and symbols, and leave out the contents of the sermon for this time. How could you, only for one second, believe it to be in any way beneficial to your child, to take it to worship your lord, a naked bleeding man with pain distorted face, who is nailed to a cross. Or how about telling your little ones to drink his blood and eat his flesh? Yeah, of course it's only symbolical. I'm sure your four year old will understand. Then all those pictures. The one of this saint that had been put to death by being shot with about a million arrows is one of my favorite childhood memories. Our society would never judge a small child by the political convictions of it's parents, nor by their social standing, but we really believe, that we should divide them into different classes of unscientific, obnoxious, religious indoctrination. This conveys to our children, that the most important indicator to judge a human being is it's religion, and by simultaneously letting them walk the bloodily illustrated corridors of horror, in out churches, we also teach them, what those other bad people have alledgedly done to us. We basically teach the tho fundamental pillars of religion: Exclusion and hatred.
We should bow our heads in shame, in face of what we are still doing at this day in age. Especially considering, that the most furious resistance to violence and sex in all kind of media and the loudest call for censorship always originate in the religious corners. How about censoring the Bible? Or would that be an act of blasphemy, for which us sinners will be sentenced to an eternity of torture in hell, by your all knowing, understanding, merciful God?
I Hate Children at Church
To begin with, I should maybe define this more closely. To be accurate I would have to write a few more of these things... I hate church, I hate hate, and maybe even I hate children. I already told you why there is no time for that, and for the same reason I will confine myself to the Christian church. This time. (Maybe also because I know most about it... cultural predetermination and what not. You see, I'm a Catholic Christian: Suck on that!)
Have you ever noticed the tendency of religious people, to only recognize the oddities of other peoples religions? My mother for example, recently talked to me about how disgusting and unnecessarily brutal she found the kosher way of killing animals to be. And no shit, it really is. But the point I'm trying to make here, is that she hypocritically spoke out against this crude and bloody ritual, without wasting one thought about the unspeakable display of lunacy she takes part in, almost every Sunday. Yes sir! I'm talking about the Mass at the local (and every other one, around the globe) Catholic church. Ours is one of those really old school ones, with those worm-eaten wood benches, hard like concrete, where you're already doing penance when you sit down, not one of these modern, central heated pussy churches. That's because I live in Bavaria, which is the undisputed festering Catholic heart of Germany. But no matter where you live, one phenomenon has become visible in almost all churches throughout Germany: Growing gaps in the rows of moronic sheep, that flock to the churches day for day. This has actually two reasons. This first one is, that most of us, have ceased to live in the Dark Ages, and have taken a little time to grow a brain, which actually enables them to discern between reality and truly retarded, fucked up phantasies, and therefore consider a visit to the local, mad teller of tales as unnecessary. The other one is a little more disturbing, as it shows the total moral depravity, and mental insufficiency of some of our fellow humans. Those gaps aren't really gaps if you look close enough. Their occupants are merely so tiny, that you don't see them at the first glance. And I'm not talking midget here. (I know the politically correct term would be “little person”, but I also hate political correctness) I'm talking about children, sometimes so young, they can't even walk on their own. You don't see how this is wrong? Well, let's for one second assume the implausible condition, that you were not in a church that preaches this whole intolerant, anti gay, anti sex, anti common sense bullshit. Let's only concentrate on the rituals and symbols, and leave out the contents of the sermon for this time. How could you, only for one second, believe it to be in any way beneficial to your child, to take it to worship your lord, a naked bleeding man with pain distorted face, who is nailed to a cross. Or how about telling your little ones to drink his blood and eat his flesh? Yeah, of course it's only symbolical. I'm sure your four year old will understand. Then all those pictures. The one of this saint that had been put to death by being shot with about a million arrows is one of my favorite childhood memories. Our society would never judge a small child by the political convictions of it's parents, nor by their social standing, but we really believe, that we should divide them into different classes of unscientific, obnoxious, religious indoctrination. This conveys to our children, that the most important indicator to judge a human being is it's religion, and by simultaneously letting them walk the bloodily illustrated corridors of horror, in out churches, we also teach them, what those other bad people have alledgedly done to us. We basically teach the tho fundamental pillars of religion: Exclusion and hatred.
We should bow our heads in shame, in face of what we are still doing at this day in age. Especially considering, that the most furious resistance to violence and sex in all kind of media and the loudest call for censorship always originate in the religious corners. How about censoring the Bible? Or would that be an act of blasphemy, for which us sinners will be sentenced to an eternity of torture in hell, by your all knowing, understanding, merciful God?
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